“Be thankful for what you are now & keep fighting for what you want to be tomorrow”
Its amazing what one person being in your life can make a difference. As you all know I do not have a good relationship with very many people including my family. My dad is so wrapped up in what people think along with my step mother who completely disagree and questioned just about anything I’ve ever done. My mom who if you have not read any of my other post is bi-polar. She was diagnosed with it when I was 13, she was in and out of hospitals and jail. My little brother, dad and myself went through a lot in 4 years. I was a teenage girl whose world got flipped upside down and that was the start of my discombobulated, flipped like a hamburger on the grill, chaotic life. I was always my mama’s world so was my brother but unfortunately he was only three when it happened. Today I am a mother of a beautiful, loving and full of life little girl. We have always said it from the day she was born she is our biggest blessing in both of mine and my fiancé’s life. Neither of our families are perfect but then again let’s be honest every household is broken at least a tad in some way or another,deep down I know that because of my mother going above the stars and back for me when I was a kid and always loving me no matter what I did and to this day my mother still calls me trouble. Anyways, I know that I am a damn good mother because of her and how she was when I was little. I’ve seen my mom at her worst and best, good days, bad days, crazy and all. I love her more than anything and really am starting to regret all those times that I ignored her phone calls or spoke down to her because of her illness. Why you might ask was I such an ass to her? Well, lately I have been thinking a lot about her and me being a mother myself. The only thing I can come up with is anger and resentment. I resented my mother because of her illness. Anybody that feels like that someone has walked out on them and doesn’t want to get help for themselves when they need it to be apart if your life well you get pissed honestly. People that have addictions go through the same phase. Denial can be a nasty thing for that person’s family and the person that is doing it to themselves. However, in my mother’s case and many others who have illness that they have no control over it just happens kind of thing it was not her fault, I being as young and angry as I was always thought it was her fault. I am still young and vey much still bitter towards her in some ways. Recently, I have started talking to her more and trying to put myself in her shoes. She has been taking her medicine everyday and has not been in a hospital or jail in over a year or two, not sure to be exact. She sent my daughter an Easter dress that she bought her, she also said she had gotten me something for Easter and Chloe a bathing suit that she would send in a week or so. She sounds a lot better than she has since I was about 12 or 13 before the chaos started happening. I feel sorry for her not because she is progressing in her life which I am more than glad and proud of her but because she is alone. She doesn’t have her two kids nor does she hardly see them. She hasn’t seen my brother since he was 3 or 4. When I think about if my daughter or any of my kids got taken away from me(futureisticly speaking) Yes, I know that futureisticly is not a word for the record. I can not fathom how hurt and broken I would feel like. My daughter is the light of my world and my smile in the darkness. We could all could learn something from people like my mother who has a hidden illness an even addicts that move on and get help. They don’t give up, they keep on with their every day lives and push through the struggles that no one else can see or understand. That is something that very many of us could take into consideration in our every day lives when we are feeling discouraged or thinking about our lack of judgment when it comes to decisions we have made in the past. Since I have been more open to speaking to my mother and letting her into my life a little more of course one very tiny inch at a time, I have felt better. I still am very much a hot mess but it is a good feeling that I have at least one person in this entire world that will always be there for me no matter what I say or how angry I get or have gotten at her she still encourages me and tells me she loves me every day. It is a bitch dealing with someone with a hidden illness but maybe when things get hard we should remember who actually has the illness and what they are going through.
onestressedoutmama 