“The lightness is starting to come out of the dark”

“Be thankful for what you are now & keep fighting for what you want to be tomorrow”

Its amazing what one person being in your life can make a difference. As you all know I do not have a good relationship with very many people including my family. My dad is so wrapped up in what people think along with my step mother who completely disagree and questioned just about anything I’ve ever done. My mom who if you have not read any of my other post is bi-polar. She was diagnosed with it when I was 13, she was in and out of hospitals and jail. My little brother, dad and myself went through a lot in 4 years. I was a teenage girl whose world got flipped upside down and that was the start of my discombobulated, flipped like a hamburger on the grill, chaotic life. I was always my mama’s world so was my brother but unfortunately he was only three when it happened. Today I am a mother of a beautiful, loving and full of life little girl. We have always said it from the day she was born she is our biggest blessing in both of mine and my fiancé’s life. Neither of our families are perfect but then again let’s be honest every household is broken at least a tad in some way or another,deep down I know that because of my mother going above the stars and back for me when I was a kid and always loving me no matter what I did and to this day my mother still calls me trouble. Anyways, I know that I am a damn good mother because of her and how she was when I was little. I’ve seen my mom at her worst and best, good days, bad days, crazy and all. I love her more than anything and really am starting to regret all those times that I ignored her phone calls or spoke down to her because of her illness. Why you might ask was I such an ass to her? Well, lately I have been thinking a lot about her and me being a mother myself. The only thing I can come up with is anger and resentment. I resented my mother because of her illness. Anybody that feels like that someone has walked out on them and doesn’t want to get help for themselves when they need it to be apart if your life well you get pissed honestly. People that have addictions go through the same phase. Denial can be a nasty thing for that person’s family and the person that is doing it to themselves. However, in my mother’s case and many others who have illness that they have no control over it just happens kind of thing it was not her fault, I being as young and angry as I was always thought it was her fault. I am still young and vey much still bitter towards her in some ways. Recently, I have started talking to her more and trying to put myself in her shoes. She has been taking her medicine everyday and has not been in a hospital or jail in over a year or two, not sure to be exact. She sent my daughter an Easter dress that she bought her, she also said she had gotten me something for Easter and Chloe a bathing suit that she would send in a week or so. She sounds a lot better than she has since I was about 12 or 13 before the chaos started happening. I feel sorry for her not because she is progressing in her life which I am more than glad and proud of her but because she is alone. She doesn’t have her two kids nor does she hardly see them. She hasn’t seen my brother since he was 3 or 4. When I think about if my daughter or any of my kids got taken away from me(futureisticly speaking) Yes, I know that futureisticly is not a word for the record. I can not fathom how hurt and broken I would feel like. My daughter is the light of my world and my smile in the darkness. We could all could learn something from people like my mother who has a hidden illness an even addicts that move on and get help. They don’t give up, they keep on with their every day lives and push through the struggles that no one else can see or understand. That is something that very many of us could take into consideration in our every day lives when we are feeling discouraged or thinking about our lack of judgment when it comes to decisions we have made in the past. Since I have been more open to speaking to my mother and letting her into my life a little more of course one very tiny inch at a time, I have felt better. I still am very much a hot mess  but it is a good feeling that I have at least one person in this entire world that will always be there for me no matter what I say or how angry I get or have gotten at her she still encourages me and tells me she loves me every day. It is a bitch dealing with someone with a hidden illness but maybe when things get hard we should remember who actually has the illness and what they are going through.

The terrible two’s and Independent fits..

It is possible that my daughter in her terrible two’s already and she is only 18 months? I mean I know its possible but lately she is just on a completely different level of ATTITUDE! As I was driving home from picking her up today, she refused to calm down. She wasn’t crying screaming but she was non-stop yelling almost the entire way. I thought to myself is this really happening. Its not just when we are in the car, when we’re at dinner, at home, anywhere really for that matter! The other night we decided that we wanted to have dinner as a family. We went to Steak N Shake because it was right down the road from our house. We got there and she was fine for all of five minutes in the high chair. Then my finance got her out and let her sit with him she would not stop throwing stuff and yelling. No, I am not one of those parents that let her just scream I gave her several warnings and told her that if she continued then she would get a spanking. However, If you have kids then you know that a spanking is just another word to them. She did not take it to heart, I let her sit on the side where I was thinking with me she would settle down damn was I wrong. She still yelled and grabbed everything on the table as well as when we tried to give her some of our food she just hit it out of our hands. She did eat a few French fries but that was as far as we got. We also got milkshakes which we got her to drink some of those as well but of course because she’s my child she wanted to hold the big GLASS cup by herself. She was highly upset that she could not hold it on her own. Is this normal? I get it she’s learning and wants to do things on her own but she is 18 months old for goodness sake. My finance and I are only in our 20’s so our patience doesn’t add up to one of a couple who is in their 30’s or so with a few kids. I feel like I am losing control of my child not that she would be controlled anyways because she is 2 feet of headstrong. I am at my ends with trying to find a happy medium with disciplining her and trying to get her to understand right from wrong. I know what you are probably thinking she is living in a dream world. Well no I really am not, I mean I might be with her being so little but I just want my daughter to understand that we love her very much but she can’t just scream for no reason or throw things just because she’s tired. She also now has a habit of throwing her little me, myself and I tantrum.  She wants to do everything by herself even if I am just simply showing her how to do something or help her she gets so mad. Tonight, we put her on the potty for the second time and she did it! I am so proud of her, I have been dreading even trying to potty train her because I’ve heard some awful stories of mothers potty training their kids. She is very smart and very independent which I kind of wish because of my mommy heart that she would rely more on me. At the end of the day as a mother or parent in general you are always going to want your child to need you in some kind of way but maybe just maybe she is going through her terrible two’s early but I’m hoping there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

Hanging on by a thread, OneStressedOutMama

A Short Introduction to my Step-Parenting Experience

Homeschool To UnSchool

Through childhood I was incredibly close to my stepfather.  My father had passed when I was a child so he was the only dad I had through those awkward blooming years of junior high and high school.  Going from a bachelor living in a studio apartment to handling the trauma of first periods to the raging hormones of teenage boys within as short of time as a year my poor step father was amazingly resilient.  No it wasn’t easy or simple.  It was created over time with sticks and stones, with power struggles and moments of complete rage.  But he chose to love me as his own.  He was the most encouraging voice in my life, and the most levelheaded confidant.  A bond between a step-parent and step-child is quite a unique and amazing dynamic.  You are their parent, but the bond and perspective is quite a different one allowing for more…

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When your family tree looks more like a stump

Pushing

The Waiting

The countdown has begun: C will be three in only about two and a half weeks.

Sometimes I look through the archives of my blog to revisit all the things we’ve been through together.

I remember when I saw her shimmy-shake across the screen for the very first time.

I remember seeing her heel slide across my torso while I lied in bed watching Netflix, and I remember feeling her less-than-gentle third trimester kicks.

I remember *finally* meeting her.

I remember seeing her roll and smile. Then she pulled up. Before we could blink, she was walking.

I remember when she learned to say no. My hair has turned 700 shades of gray since then.

I remember when she danced to the ting-ting sound of B stirring his coffee with a spoon.

I remember when she learned what it was to hurt.

There are so many…

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Along came life

Well my boyfriend and I just watched that old movie “Along came Polly” with one of my favorite actresses Jenifer Aniston and one of my non-favorite actors Ben Stiller. Now many of you have probably seen this before. It’s about a guy who in the beginning marries a woman named Lisa. They get married and go on their honeymoon and well needless to say she ends up screwing the scuba instructor. I know what a dirty little whore! I said the same thing, well then he comes back and runs into an old friend. You guessed it her name was Polly. They were total opposites about everything, he was a careful, keep to himself, non-taking risks guy. She was full of life, moved around a lot, hated commitment, and lived her life unorganized but full of energy. As I was watching I thought to myself how could that possibly work between them. He worked in a business where he saw what or how a risk was when someone did something like swam with sharks or jumped out of an airplane. He had to have a plan for everything. That movie isn’t quite my life but its pretty damn close. My boyfriend and I are very different. He lives life day by day, loves to try new things and never plans anything other than eating, showering, and going to sleep. I guess that’s a typical man for you though some more fit than others. However, me on the other hand very much dislike new things, don’t want to take risks and wants most of my life to be planned. Nothing like years in advance everyday but like a month at a time. Why are people wired so differently? I mean its great because in the love world of things opposites attract but on a side note I’ve really been thinking why are people wired they way they are. My dad stressed when I was younger how important it was for us to have structure and stability. I never understood why he stressed that so much to us and then moved us to another state. Good job dad way to stick to your grounds! Anyways, I being 21 and having my own kid now do agree on the stability part because of my parents and I’m sure among many of yours has a part of your emotional and mental catastrophe.  Although I do really wish at least one of my parents would of told me to take risks and live your life to its fullest extent. I am still young so it is not to late. I struggle with doing things out of the blue without a reason or plan behind it. I wish more than anyone will ever know how bad I wish I could just let go of things, do things without me questioning how or why and enjoy my life and everyone in it. At the end of the movie he ends up telling Polly that isn’t who he is and if it hadn’t of been for her he would of never found himself. Maybe one of these days I will wake up and my whole perspective on life will turn around but right now I will just enjoy the small things like good movies, having a job again, and my beautiful little girl.

Hanging on by a thread, OneStressedOutMama

My nerves are erked

Today was my second day at my new job , It went really good. My boss is really cool and there is only a few people working there which is great because there is less likely of a chance for there to be ANY drama. I’m so over jobs that girls that have been there for 5 years actually think they run the place. Typically, I would agree seniority gets the vote and say I get it but damn when you go to the extent of making people lose their jobs well then that’s where my attitude and outspoken kicks in so here goes nothing. When I worked for Toyota there were two girls that I worked with that it always seemed like they were trying to bring me down in some way. The first girl’s name is going to Tara not her real name of course but at the moment I am trying to better myself as a person so my “bitch switch” is currently turned off. Tara has been at Toyota for a while and pretty much knows more about that dealership than some people who had worked there for 10 years. She had quite the attitude which me being strong willed of course would not take any of her bossiness or rudeness which I pointed out fairly quickly. The other girls name was Kim, she was so sweet and helpful at first and then the fakeness just started pouring out of her. I am a very down to earth, non-judgemental  person BUT I can point fakeness out a mile away. I am also a very real honest person and that was not something either of these girls are. I am not writing about these girls to get back at them for anything I am not that low. However, I am writing about them because they have a lot more pull around that place than they should. They both are very smart but their attitudes could use some remodeling on a serious note. Now keep in mind that neither of these girls are any type of manager they both have gotten bad reviews from customers not to mention any other girl that comes in there to work that might be a competition to them that is doing well they want and somehow always get gone. Myself as well as another girl that worked, yes worked there because surprise Tara managed to get her fired too. We always got the blame even when we didn’t have anything to do with the situation. This really erks my nerves because, I would never mess with anybody’s job especially when they have bills just like anyone else, I mean how messed up do you have to be in the head to do something like that? or what harm could myself or the other girl possibly have done? If you ever saw me I am 5″2 and weigh about 130 pounds not to mention I have a country accent. If you heard me I sound like a country bumpkin straight out of the woods! So I mean think about that better yet picture it..If you pictured me correctly well then you know that I am harmless. The world we live in is full of inconsiderate people that put on a show one minute and then turn out to be stone cold the next. Its sad I fell bad for them, They have nothing better to do with their time than sit around and see who is going to last there or who they can get fired next. I am so glad to not be apart of that anymore,They can get walked over and treated badly all they want I can already tell that I am going to be much happier and better treated at my new job. I have no hard feelings towards either one of these girls because one day KARMA is going to kick both of their asses and they will get a taste of their own medicine!

Hanging on by a thread,

OneStressedOutMama

Girl Scout Cookies

This is true

Things Grown-Up You Does That 10-Year-Old You Would Never Do

Peg-o-Leg's Ramblings

It was really cold this morning. When the alarm went off I wanted to hit the snooze button and burrow back down under the covers but, being a responsible adult, I didn’t. I got up and went through my morning routine.

I was making the bed when it occurred to me that 10-year-old me wouldn’t bother with it. She didn’t make her bed unless Mom was standing over her threatening dire punishment. 10-year-old Peg would say, “What’s the point? It will only get messed up again tonight.” And she would be right.

We grown-ups do a lot of things that our 10-year-old selves would never do. Things like:

9-to-5 Job: While grown-up Peg finds insurance a rewarding and challenging career, 10-year-old Peg would be horrified at the thought of being stuck behind a desk doing boring paperwork all day (her words, not mine.) The only career options that 10-year-old Peg…

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The revolving door..

Well after a month of being out of a job, I finally found one. That’s not true I just lied I applied for a marketing company a few weeks ago called Vector to sell Cutco knives. I went in for an interview and he asked me to stay for a group interview so I excited. I am so not the person to stay at home constantly, I am homebody don’t get me wrong but 24/7…NOPE NOT ME! I was one of the first ones called back after the group interview. The guy sat me down asked me a few questions and said that my personality was great he thought I would more than likely be successful in selling the product so I had gotten the job. Well after talking with some friends and NOTHING but bad reviews on that company and how I would not make any money because it was based on how much you sold which was door to door almost selling, I decided I was not going to waste my time with it.

Here I am a few weeks later filling out applications at midnight, emailing every add on craigslist about every job I possibly had a chance of getting, going everywhere asking if they were hiring. I was on craigslist yesterday and stumbled across an add for an office position at a place that wasn’t to far from my house. This morning I got up, got my daughter dressed and fed and headed out the door. When you lose your job or quit whatever the circumstances are you try everything and anything. Especially when aren’t financially stable something is better than nothing. Everybody knows that bills have to be paid and they NEVER job regardless whether you have a job or not. So the hunt was still on for me a new job, I went to a few places before I went to the place where I saw on the ad. After getting told four times in a row that every place I went into and asked that they were taking applications but not hiring well it got OLD FAST. If there was a cliff or hill I could of thrown myself down I would have done it. The economy sucks, gas prices aren’t sky high anymore but then you go in the store and milk is almost $5.00 a gallon am I the only one who thinks this is ass backwards? Anyways, my little adventure with my 15month old which was with me continued. I had one last place to go and if I didn’t feel good about it I was just going to drive down the road and stop at every place I could. Then there was that option of finding a hill somewhere to bad I live in Florida and the ground here is low or being paved over.

I drove over up to the last place that I had planned to go and hopefully it was going to be the last place I had to go. Nobody likes being shut down or rejected when that happens to anyone most people either work harder to get what they want or give up. Now I am a very hard working, determined woman and have always been taught to fight for what I want out of life. My 15 month old daughter keeps me going as well. I was not giving up as much as that hill sounded like a good idea I just couldn’t give up yet. I went in there and there was a guy standing in the back that greeted me and handed me an application to fill out.  The guy asked me what kind of experience I had and when I would be able to start if I was hired. When I finished filling out the application he called another guy in there to talk to him about whether I had met any of the requirements. When they walked out they said that everything looked good an that I had the job. I instantly felt a huge weight lifted off my shoulders. That just goes to show you that giving up is never the answer. If you want anything out of life you have to push for it, fight for it and work for it. Life doesn’t have an instruction manual  nor does it have a machine that tells you on a piece of paper what your next move should be or where to look next for simple job to pay the bills that keep piling up. However, it does have people that are compassionate, forgiving and understanding. If  there was not people like that in the world people like me would never have another chance to make anything of ourselves.