Wanting to call it quits..

When you’ve been through as much shit as I have trust isn’t something you that comes naturally to you. I don’t trust anybody. Period! I don’t trust because it’s sometimes to easily broken. It’s to easy to betray. It’s to easy to be let down or disappointed. My mother getting sick and all of a sudden not being there anymore. Then there’s my dad where we have no relationship anymore that could very well have a relationship with me but chooses not to. Yeah, trust to me just another 5 letter word. Trust is something that is earned or gained with most people. However, for me it’s just a 5 letter word. It means nothing.. I’ve been let down & now that I’m 21 I’m broken & bent. I try not to let it affect certain things in my life, like my relationship with my fiancé but it does. I struggle with giving people my trust. Once someone has done anything small or big then my trust is gone. Some people would agree that second chances should be given if the circumstances are right. With all the crap I’ve had to deal with I really don’t believe that second chances change anything..well at least to me. For some of you it may have. It may have been the best thing that you ever did. Others it may have turned out a complete nightmare. Trust is a hard word to swallow for some people. Let me just say this, because I don’t trust anybody life is a lot more complicated. I question everyone’s actions around me of why they are doing something or what’s the purpose in them doing it. I overthink people’s smallest actions toward me or against me. I’ve been told I have a very good personality I’m great with customers and I can fake a smile like any other. I just don’t trust anybody, like I’ve said in my past post temporary is always better.  Temporary I can deal with, long term is something that is beyond my thinking process. My aunt who was there and still is there for me was talking to me about going to get some kind of counseling for things that I probvaly should have a long time ago. Honestly I don’t feel like counseling would do me any good. Whoever I would happen to go and talk to would not even begin to understand what I’ve been through nor how I’m feeling. I’ve done the counseling, therapy once a week even a few times a week thing and guess what I’m still screwed up from head to toe. I know that judge me if you want I simply do not care anymore. Everyone is their own kind of screwed up whether it be from childhood trauma like me or some kind of other castrophe that has happend to them. I’m struggling with a lot right now and my heart, head and mind is not in the right place rignt now. I want to blame all of me being the way I am on my mother but I know I can’t because it’s not her fault she is mentally ill. She didn’t ask for the disease and I didn’t ask for chaos in my life but it happened. It is what it is and for now I guess all I can do is hope and pray that everything turns out ok in the end..

Hanging on by a thread, OneStressedOutMama

When life goes on..how do you???

Things change and people change life goes on. Change is often times good, rewarding and for the better. Then there is change that is difficult, hard and scary all at the same time. What happens when everything falls apart? Most people either bounce back from it or they dwell on it. I’m a strong person don’t get me wrong I’m one of the most stubborn, strong willed hard working 5 foot tall girls you will ever meet. Guaranteed. That’s beside the point though….When things go down hill…When things do take a hard turn and go down that hill…How do you get back up the hill without wanting to throw yourself down it? My answer which I’m currently working on is self perspective and faith. Things in life have never gone as planned or accordingly for that matter. However, at the end of the day life goes on..but how do you?  Change has always scared me. It makes me nervous to do new things or have anything to do with the word new in my life. I’ve had several jobs and met a lot of good people. I know that is has something to do with all the changes and new things I’ve had to deal with. When I was 13 my parents got divorced and my mother was diganosed mentally ill. When I was going into my junior year of high school my dad moved us to Florida to have a better life and get us away from all the shit that went down in Georgia. When I say we I mean my dad, little brother(which I helped raise) & myself. Change is something I DONT do. New people I DONT do well with. I’m a very social person and I’m good with customers. Customers are very vague though. They are in and out of the dealership daily which to me temporary has always been better. People change when chaos happens to them. I’m emotionally screwed up from head to toe because of my past. I know most people would say the past  is the past let it go. Day by day I am letting things go while still trying to figure out what I want out of life and who I am. I know I’m not a bad person, I know I have shit that I need to mend, let go or deal with just like any other human. But how much can one person take?  Let’s be honest change scares the hell out of me. I’ve been tramitizied almost to the point that when there is change I freak out. That exactly how I feel rignt now, things aren’t the same, I’m not the same, my relationships with anyone aren’t the same as they were even a year ago. I’ve grown up way faster than I should of which I’m proud of at this point in my life. I can’t help but feel like I missed out on things that other kids or teenagers got to do or experience. I struggle with finding a happy medium. All I want is for me to be able to embrace what I’ve been through. It’s made me a stronger person and for that I am grateful. I know God wouldn’t give me anything I couldn’t handle. I wish that things would’ve stayed the same. I wish my mom wouldn’t have gotten sick..I wish I knew who I was..I feel lost in the changes, heartbreak, and disappointment. All I want is to be genuinely happy again…

Hanging on by a thread,OneStressedOutMama

Shredding, Filing, Maximizing!

I totally rearranged my small ass closet last night and wasn’t done until about 1:00 AM. Funny thing is I still have more to clean because of the trash that was collected cleaning it out. Also, I still have piles of paper I need to go through and shred (by the way I need a shredder) and others I need to file.

Being a mother is difficult because not only do you have to keep up with all your records and important documents, you have to keep track of somebody else’s too. Muva’s I suggest you go by a shredder from Walmart for bills and things that have been paid or statements with your personal information on it (GO PAPERLESS!, it saves so much headache and trees!) But anyway, also by a fire proof file cabinet or safe and put your important documents in it in case of any type…

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The short end of the stick…

I’m having one of those days where I don’t know whether I’m getting the ass part of somebody or the heart. I love my job I do, it keeps me on my feet. However, today is one of those days where anything is possible. I’ve told Yall before our customers are beyond spoiled. I had a guy a few weeks ago that I had to hide one of our Jimmy Johns sandwiches because he wasn’t coming to get his car serviced unless he had one. Get a life, besides its only half a sandwich anyways. Today, I’ve had literally every other person that has came up here to MVP ask about their points. They are a pain in the ass to do especially when the customer doesn’t have any points but they’ve had a car here since 09! The phone was ringing off the hook again. Every other customer that called sounded either mad or aggravated. Especially when I told them I didn’t have an available time for them to schedule an appointment. Hello, we are o my aloud to schedule a max amount of appointments a day. If you call on Friday at 5:00 asking about an appointment for Saturday at 8:00 sharp, chances are you are not getting scheduled for an appointment. Now, I had a guy that came upstairs & said in just getting my car detailed shouldn’t be very long, I wrote his name down & let him in. Of course 2 hours later, he’s pissed, no car or idea of what’s going on with it. Since quite frankly I was the one closest to him he decided to get mad at me. Oh joy, I’m surprised I haven’t bitten my tongue off yet with some of these people! So I dial the detail office, they don’t have it and don’t have a clue what I’m even talking about. Then, I called the sales person who told him to just come in whenever he wanted. This is why I don’t deal with salesman! Did I mention how the the salesman left after the guy came in and gave him to another saleman? I didn’t think so. Eventually, the guy got his keys back and was a complete opposite person. I totally understand why he was aggravated but I was just the messenger. Tomorrow is another day in the crazy life of a dealership! Hopefully it will be a better one than the ones I’ve had lately! 

Hanging on by a thread, OneStressedOutMama

Friendship in the ’90’s vs. Friendship Today

Your toddler doesn’t care if you’re on your period, and here’s why you shouldn’t either.

She’s great & very honest. I can think many people can relate!

The Waiting

Of all the character traits that don’t serve me well as a parent, my reluctance to take myself less seriously is probably the worst.

I had had a pretty crappy day. I overslept a few minutes, I ran into traffic on my way to work, and within an hour, I could tell that it was going to take every fiber of my being to keep from mentally punching everyone I encountered in the face. I was already behind on my work for the day and the emails asking me to do things that weren’t in my job description were coming in faster than I could respond with a bold-italicized HALE NO. We’re all entitled to a terrible, horrible, no-good, very bad day every once in awhile, but it was like the world was just laughing at me by scheduling mine on a Monday. Way to be creative, World.

To add insult to injury…

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Ticking time clock…

As I’ve been looking at my daughter lately, I can’t help but feel like time is zooming by. My daughter will be 14 months in just a few days. She went from being our little 7lb 11oz baby to our almost 25 pound baby. She’s such a blessing & a joy to my fiancé & I. It’s amazing to me how she learns something new everyday. I got pregnant with her when I was 19 & had her when I was 20. No, she wasn’t planned. Actually a baby that young was the last thing I wanted. I wanted to make something of myself. I had plans to go back to school, have a career do things that made a difference. My emotions were all over the place when I found out I was pregnant. I didn’t ever think I would be able to give her a life that was even close to what I had when I was little. I know a lot of mothers feel this way especially when your life hasn’t been as peachy & golden as others. My fiancé & I have been through a lot in both of our lives. Probvaly no more than anybody else but things that still affect me & him. Our daughter has taught me that it’s not about what you do in life, how much money you make, how many toys you buy or even how little you do or don’t have your shit together. At the end of the day, it’s about family, her being happy, & seeing her smile everyday when I come home or go to pick her up. There’s nothing better than you walking through a door & see your child smile from ear to ear. Life hasn’t gone as planned for me but my daughter has taught me more than anything else or anyone else ever will. It’s a wonderful thing knowing that you’ll always have someone there who loves you & doesn’t judge you. That’s nornally what family is for but not everyone has family there for them like I don’t hardly have any there for me. Some people barely even have friends because they shut the world out & don’t bother reaching out to people for whatever reason. Being a mother or parent for that matter isn’t always fun, clean, or planned but it is constantly rewarding. Kids are a handful especially when you don’t have your shit together & haven’t even started college but my daughter is by far my happiest blessing in my life. She’s not even 2 & she’s already changed my whole life & perspective on what I used to think was so very important really doesn’t mean anything anymore. I know God knew what he was doing when he put my beautiful, happy, hyper little girl into my life. Eventually, I’ll go back to school & do the things I have been wanting to do now I just think of it as I get to enjoy my daughter being little & learn more about who she is as her own little person which she defiantly is a mess! I do wish time would slow down just a little I feel like I’ll never get this time back! Speaking of I think she’s getting into something. Just remember to hold your kids tight & don’t let the bull in your life get in the way of what’s really important. 

Hanging on by a thread,OneStressedOutMama

The disease..Let it go

I’ve been thinking about posting this particular subject on here for a while because it’s a very touchy subject and didn’t know what people would think about me but it’s time for me to let this shit go & move on with my life and I feel like writing is the only way for me to it at this point….

My parents got divorced when I was 13 and my brother was 3. It was hard on me for a while. Now I just feel like it’s a numbness kind of thing, if that makes sense. Being a 13 year old teenage girl without her mother is very tough. If you don’t have your mother around for whatever reason at all you know exactly how I feel. My dad did everything he could to help my mom & keep our family together but it just wasn’t enough. My mother had been digasoned with bi-polar disorder and paranoid schizophrenic. Those are typically described as mental disorders. However, I would like of them as killers or toxins. Those toxins have torn my family apart.  I miss my mother every day. The woman I once knew as my mother will never be that same person again. She is still my mother and I love her to the end of the world. Some days it doesn’t bother me at all, it’s nothing but numbness. Then, I have days where it’s all I think about. Now that I’m older I know there was absolutely nothing I could do to help her or prevent it. Bi-polar disorder is a very twisted disease that doesn’t have a cure. Mentally sick people don’t realize they have a problem, they black out , have episodes & can’t function normally in everyday life without medicine. I feel so sorry for my mother. She was the best mom that anyone could ever ask for. She did everything for me as I was the only child for 10 years. When my brother came she did everything for both of us. She was the most strong willed person I had ever known. I now struggle everyday to let people into my life. I struggle with anxiety which most people don’t know because I don’t let it show. I stress out about everything. Let me remind yall, I’m 21. The kind of way I feel sometimes I don’t wish on anybody. Mamas are important. VERY important! What happened to being 10 or even 11 and having a nornal life. Well at least my kind of normal. Everybody’s definition of normal is different. I cheered, went to school, hung out with my friends had a semi-normal life besides my parents fighting all the time but that wasn’t anything new to me. It was numbness, just like my mom being mentally ill now. I’m a mother now to a beautiful, happy, sweet, wonderful one year old and I pray to God every night that I don’t turn out anything like the person who my mother has become now. Now, I struggle with relationships to its fullest extent. I’ve been let down a lot like many other people it’s stops you from being happy, it holds you back, it makes you push people away that you don’t mean to. It’s difficult for me to have a relationship for anybody, my finance knows everything about my past and trys his hardest to help me but there’s only so much he can do. I’ve pushed him away a lot, along with my dad, some of my friends and a few others in my family. I’m sick of fighting to keep good things or people in my life because I’m scared they are going to one day walk out or all of a sudden not be there anymore like they were once before. I’ve got to let this go, it’s controlling my life and I know that. If you read this I don’t want sympathy or any rude comments to be made about what I just wrote. This isn’t about anybody else this is about me letting shit go.. 

Hanging on by a thread,Onestressedoutmama 

Grandma and the system

I had an interesting Wednesday to say the least. First off I was late to work because the babysitter decided to sleep in a few minutes than normal this morning which was fine I didn’t mind. It gave me chance to jam out with my daughter in the car for a few minutes. I work at a dealership which I love, it’s the best job I’ve ever had. I am in our service department. The people are great, my bosses are great and the pay is decent.  What does she do you might ask, Well let me explain. At my job everybody is required to… I guess you could call me a go to girl. It amazes me because I haven’t been there that long but my lord they love to ask me to do anything but what I’m supposed to do. If you have a job like this you totally get why I feel like I’m spinning all the time, even when I’m sitting down. I never know what I’m going to be once I’m clocked in at my job. One day I’m a file clerk,MVP hostess(VIP for specific customers)  vallet, and shuttle driver. Honestly, it keeps me on my toes so it’s good for me but damn I wish would just stay in one spot for the day. Anyways I’m getting side tracked I really thought the day was the day I was going to snap. Our MVP lounge is for our customers that bought their car from us. They have drinks, doughnuts, lunch brought in , an expresso machine that I barely even know how to work, computers and a huge flat screen tv. Yes,our customers are well taken care of.  The phone was ringing off the hook that alone would drive anybody bananas. I had 3 customers walk up at the same time which I had to sign in.  Then, a service advisor called up to speak to a customer about their vehicle. I have to walk inside call their name & dial the number for the customers. After all that I had a woman come & ask me if I knew when her salesman would be up there to get her and speak with her because it was 10 minutes past the time he was supposed to be up there. I stood there looking at her like really lady? I know what your thinking, that doesn’t sound all that bad..yeah I’m not done. One of the three customers that walked up there was a short petite elderly woman and her daughter.  She was very sweet and then I couldn’t find her in the system…grandma lost it. She kept going on and on about how her husband arguing on her buying the car from us or going elsewhere…what does that have to do with her not being in our system, I have no damn clue.  She also kept saying something about her MVP card that she may or may not have ever gotten in the mail but it might have been in her cabinet where she keeps her paperwork. The woman was detail Betty Yall I swear she went on for a while about anything but something that had to do with her not being in the system. Finally after about 15 minutes of trying everything I can I finally find her and she has the word trust beside her name. What in the world?? Then the lady proceeds to tell me the reason why trust is beside her name is because if anything ever happens to her everything goes to her kids, she was a trustee and everything she has she was a trustee of. I’m 21 I had no clue what she was talking about. Of course I got through the day smiled and bit my tongue the whole day. It was overwhelming at the time but now it’s kind of amusing at least I got a good laugh out of it. Hopefully Yall did too! 

Should I Stay or Should I Go?

Very good point. Love her writing.

Before you met him you were ok, and after he is gone you will be just fine. The hardest part is letting go and giving up hope; not giving up hope that he will change but that he will change for you. Majority of the time let’s be real people do not change and if they in fact due change its because they want to. They have to come to self realization that they do not like something that they’re doing. You cussing, fussing, nagging and dragging is not going to change not one thing because that person does not see any fault in their actions, YOU DO!

It took me a long time and I still have this problem thinking that it’s me and its my fault and there is something I could have done differently or that I should have walked away sooner. But, honestly there isn’t anything wrong…

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